If I perish, I perish.

I was six.

I remember looking at my great grandfather and saying, “I won’t live past 30 because I want to be with you then... (30 was my 90 as a child).” I remember it because I was put in time out for saying such a horrible thing.

I was 21.

A psychic grabbed my palm and said, “What in the hell did you do to piss someone off so bad? You won’t live very long.”

Now listen here, I am a child of the one true King. Lord. YHWH. God. I AM, the King of Kings, the Savior of the World. I do not partake nor believe in the abilities of psychics or random childhood statements of death. I believe that God and God only knows the timing of our fates. However, lately I have begun to believe that my life, a beautiful, and yet painful life, is young lived.

If anyone follows my blog then you clearly have read my Dear John Blog posted about a year ago. Now is the time to testify. YAY! I have already had one court date that I had to look this monster in the eyes, now comes jury time. Woot Woot!! Only for one of the top gang ass hats in this town. Can’t WAIT to have to see him again. Today I received a call that all other witnesses have backed out due to fear. Now PUEBLO is counting on me and my father! Oh such glorious news! The Pueblo judicial system, which has failed us miserably before over and over, is counting on us to make sure he is given due time? Which is what? A slap on the hand to him and a death sentence to us? I cannot wait!

Well, just shit!

So this blog isn’t going to be wasted on complaining about a POS thug who I believe needs a dose of the Big YESHUA up in his life, nor about how much I hate the judicial system, or gangs, or people who hate wine. No this blog is about me, because Lord knows I am the key target, oops I mean witness of my life.  

Over the last year I have been able to look deep inside myself and find out what a wonderful person I truly am. I studied the Word of the Lord more than I ever studied in Bible College. I ran away and sat with the Lords presence. Let Him hold me, comfort me, tell me through His Scripture that there is so much more than this! (Holla!! Enoch the 2^nd over here!) I have felt hope, love, joy, and pain. I have looked into the mirror and smiled, I have looked into the mirror and cried. But most of all I have looked into the mirror and loved.

Love is one of the biggest blessings the Lord has given me in my 29 years of life. I loved one man close enough to want as a husband. I met him while on a business/birthday trip gone wrong. That love didn’t last long, but I loved, and man it felt good!

I loved my mother who gave me strength. I loved my father who gave me power. I loved my brother who gave me patience, my nephew who gave me hope, and my sister in law who gave me freedom. I loved many friends, many family members. I loved my great grandfather who believed in who I could be, my great grandmother who pushed me to forgive and my grandmother Rose, who gave me the ability to find light in the loneliest moments. ABOVE ALL I LOVED!!!! How amazing is it that in a world of pain, hurt, tears, poverty, hunger, doubt… I loved? I was a survivor of a rape, of domestic violence, of the toils of this world and yet I still found a way to love, forgive, and hope! Not only that, but to become an advocate and teach others that through our pain, love and forgiveness are possible!

So I sat down tonight, poured a glass of wine, and looked to the Heavens. I smiled. I said, “God hear me, I wanted to always be a gem in a world of rocks. To always do your will, and be to this world what you needed of it. I wanted to be a vessel of your kindness. Thus here I am, ready to meet you, my father, my comforter, my heart. ”

The desires of my heart were to be married, have children, travel, explore, and become part of the third world or inmate ministries. Yet, cutting it close to 30 and having to put my life in danger in order to help others, I may never come to see those desires of my heart.

Yet, I am okay with where I am! And here I am, at this moment, telling you that I am happy with who I am, who I have become, I am more than happy, I am proud of myself! I have done many things in my life up to now. If I am living in the last days of my life then I am so proud of how far I have come.  There are many things in life we cannot understand. We want what is best for us, not what is best for God. Although at times I have felt He has been unfair, I know that everything He has done through me has been for the best of me. I lived a life of love, of hope, and of faith. It may be hard to comprehend where I am coming from now, but believe me, when you are hit with the reality that you could face your own death sooner than later, you see things in a different light.

My hero is a woman named Esther. She stood up against her own fate in order to save her people from a tragic death. However, before she went against the King she said, “…if I perish, I perish.” This is the type of woman I want to be. Brave, not afraid of what is to come against me, for what shall if He is for me right? Therefore, with a humble heart, I will do what I have to do in order to make the world, the town... PUEBLO a safer place for others, even if that means I too shall perish as an example.

But unfortunately it took up until today to learn that the best way to live, is as if you are dying tomorrow.

Sticks and Stones

Last night I lay in bed scrolling my phone and deleting messages. I hoard messages and calls. I am one of those people who literally never deletes texts. Last night I felt as though I needed to do so. I wanted a sort of, new beginning, if that makes any sense. Well I stumbled upon messages from an ex and I decided to read them. Every other message contained the words, "I am busy." Sorry I am too busy to call, sorry I've been busy, sorry can't make it there I got pretty busy. A while back I had found out that he really wasn't all that busy, his time was just being shared with someone else. and I no longer was any sort of priority in the life we once shared. These three words I have began to resent. Even hearing them I cringe and my blood fills with anxiety. My thoughts start to wonder off and create problems that were never there to begin with whenever anyone tells me they are "too busy."

How is it that words can have such an effect on us? Make us build these walls of insecurity, that no one can seem to break down? Why is it that because one person hurt us with their words and actions that we automatically assume the next person will hurt us the same way as well? There are so many questions I don't have the answers too. I hurt myself so much because I dwell on my own thoughts when someones tells me they are going to do something and they don't do it, or when someones tells me they are busy but aren't. It's like an automatic trigger in my life that shoots me back to a place of so much hurt. I associate these actions and words with my past and not being at least of some importance in someone's life whom I care about. I have allowed these three words to consume me, and it is so utterly stupid! Part of me wants to keep these words as a wall so that I can use them to never get hurt again, and then part of me wants to let them go. Let them go because they have become like chains holding me back from a brighter and better future.

I started to think, what if it was me that was the problem? What if I am the reason why some people just don't have time for me. Then I realized I was thinking too much! Way too much, and that was creating problems inside my own head that weren't even real. So today I took those words and wrote them on a piece of paper, then I set fire to the paper, letting go of the resentment I felt toward those words that have been a weight on me for too long. Today I finally let go of my fear of words, my fear of being hurt by them, and embraced the beautiful future I have ahead of me!

Love at First...Emotion?

Damn emotions! There I said it, and quite frankly I have a love hate relationship with them. Sometimes they make me feel like I am wonder woman and other times they make me feel like, well... shit. As I pour myself a glass of merlot, and sit at my desk to start working on marketing, I am overcome with the strongest emotions of regret and self awareness. How many times do I have to mess up before I look myself in the mirror and shout to myself, "Stop doing that you dumb ass!" I am a very slow learner and I have no one to blame for that but myself. See, I am an overthinker. I will over think something so much that I will drain myself of every inch of happiness until I am a blob of sobbing tears, looking for a way out of my own mind. True story.

However, let me tell you why I am really here, love. Love, love, love... the most messed up of emotions. It can have you floating, and it can slowly and very painfully kill you. Almost four months ago, well, March 20th to be exact, I ended a very short relationship. It was fun while it lasted, but things just didn't work out. I was HEARTBROKEN. I mean, for at least 2 months straight I cried myself to sleep. How could I ever find love again? Just how. Then a guy walks into my life out of no where, so naturally I do what I do best and turn his requests to meet up down. Why? Because the cardinal rule of dating after dating, you don't date too soon because... well... I have no good reason for that rule. I guess it has something to do with you not being emotionally ready to date again, blah blah. But who am I to follow the rules, right? Well coffee started to sound pretty good, and his selfies were starting to look better and better each post. 

We meet for the first time in person outside of Starbucks at 7:30am. Well, he was there at that time, naturally I run late to everything, so I was there at more like 7:40am. The moment I lay eyes on him my heart drops, and I knew then at that moment that I was going to fall and fall hard. However, my past relationship began to creep up on me. See my ex told me he was always busy, too busy for this, too busy for that. He was always just too busy at work, and when I found out the truth behind his lack of time to share with me, I was punched right in the heart. I told myself to never accept anyone who says they are too busy for you. If someone wants to be in your life, they will always make time. Well a week into talking to this new stud, I get the "I am so busy right now, I wish we could hang out more." Well anyone who knows me knows I lost it, I heard my ex all over again and I said to myself, well I better push this one away and be crazy as shit, because Lord knows all people are like my ex (sarcasm). Well, turns out this guy really was just busy that week, and I made a full on ass of myself. Way to go Tasha! One in the count for me, but no, I am not happy about what I did. See I let my past dictate my future. Lucky for me this man is more forgiving than me, and I forgive a lot, but I hurt him and could have possibly hindered anything we could have had. 

Now let me get to all you readers out there, and tell you something I learned today. LEAVE YOUR PAST IN THE PAST. The people who come into your life now or in the future are NOT your past, they will never be the person who hurt you, so stop hurting yourself by letting your past dictate your future. Take this advice from me seriously. I am one stubborn pain in the ass woman, but after having some in depth thought, and looking deep into myself, I found my answer all along. I need to learn to let go, let go of it all. Fall in love again, let someone else love you, love until you are puking up butterflies because everytime you look into that persons eyes your stomach drops and your soul screams! With love will come great pain, but without it will come great regret.

Heartache and Wine

Well, what do we have here? A little bit of heartbreak mixed with a little box of wine, and it makes for a very crappy beginning to the summer. Recently I have noticed that there seems to be a rising increase in the broken hearts category lately. Although I am horrible at giving relationship and love advice, considering I can't keep a man's attention for more than a few hours if I'm lucky, and if he's not already cold drunk. I figure I can at least let everyone in on what I learned from having a broken heart myself.

Three months of self acceptance was in the making this Spring and I didn't even have a clue that this is what was actually happening. I figured it was just three months of pure torture, tears, and a whole lot of merlot. Living with a broken heart is by far one of the worst feelings a person can go through. Whether it is from the loss of someone, something, or the loss of love, it hurts! I would rather take a punch to the jugular with a stun gun than to feel that pain again. Yet through the turmoil came a time when I said to myself, "enough." It took courage to look myself in the mirror and remind myself of who I was and who I was destined to become. It was time to look into myself, take the hurt I was feeling, and fuel myself to the next step. 

Three months of heartbreak taught me that I am worth so much more than I thought. 

Finally I was able to see the beauty inside myself, the leader I want to be, the beautiful soul I seek to unearth. I am worth more than tears, more than pain, and so are you. It's hard to see at first but once you see it you will never settle for less than that again. 

I learned patience.

The single most important thing I learned is patience. I prayed for it and oh boy did I pay for that prayer! The good Lord sure gave me something to be patient about, three months worth of it. Living in a world where everyone gets everything they want and right away kills our patience. After three months of having to wait on answers I still haven't received, I learned that waiting for the right thing, at the right time is better than getting the wrong things fast. 

Significant others do not complete you. 

I used to think that in order to live a happy life in a happy relationship that I needed that one person to complete me. This my friends is a lie. If you are not complete with yourself, then the brokenness pours into the relationship and you repel your mate rather than bring them closer. Find yourself before you bring someone else into the mix. You want a relationship where two complete puzzle pieces come together to make one big picture. 

Forgiveness.

Forgiving those who hurt you does not make you a weak person, because it takes a whole lot of strength to forgive someone who broke your heart. 

I found myself. 

Three months of heartache allowed me to dig deep into myself and ask myself daily who I really am. I am a loving, passionate, woman who believes in fighting for what you believe in. I bend the rules to make people think. I enjoy being a voice for the voiceless, donating my time, helping the helpless. I am beautiful with flaws that make me unique. I am strong although I have my weaknesses. I am a fighter who uses negativity to empower me and my business in order to push myself onto the next level of success. I will never need a significant other to complete me, I want one to join me in my travels to becoming a better person for this world. We all need to find ourselves, find out who we are, define who we will become, so that no one can define that for us. 

This summer started off pretty crappy for many of us, we found ourselves dancing in the rain so no one saw our tears. Now it's time to take that heartbreak and use it to make ourselves stronger, better, and more beautiful than before. Don't need it, want it. The most beautiful art comes from the most horrible of pain, now dig inside and start painting. 

Life After Surviving

I'll never forget the sound a golf club makes after being broken across my back. It's a distant memory that gets replayed in my mind on and off when I am sitting with other women telling them that there is always a way out. Many of you know me as a photographer, entrepreneur, blogger, or a motivational speaker. Yet, not many of you know my story as a survivor. This is the story of what I discovered about myself after going through the daily verbal and physical abuse of a relationship I had a few years ago.

This last month and a half I have done a lot of self exploration. I have looked deep into who I am as a person and questioned everything about myself. "Who am I?" I asked. I am an independent, strong, loving, super forgiving, woman who took a few hundred of bucks and moved back to Colorado with the clothes on my back, a camera, a bible and started up a successful business. I am a dreamer, a traveler, a motivational speaker. I love working with the homeless, other survivors, and anything to do with giving back to the community. I love dancing, laughing, theater, and music. I am a pretty upbeat and outgoing woman. Yet, I am also suffering with deeper issues that I suppress and hide deep within me because of the aftermath of being a victim of domestic violence. Of all the things I brought to light, I found out that I associated love with pain. It's the craziest thing! After being in an abusive relationship for so long I subliminally rewired my mind to believe that the only way for someone to show me love is to be upset with me. Yelling at me, hurting me, hitting me was a way to say "I love you". How horrible is that? Even I was shocked at this new revelation. How is it that someone as strong willed as me could allow myself to go through years of this? Yet, we all do things in life that sometimes we cannot understand. Some of the strongest men and women have been in the same situation or even remain in the same situation as I was. Confusing abuse for love is such a crazy ideal, but it happens. If you are reading this and are going through the same thing, just know you are not alone! Life after surviving is difficult when you have to find out who you truly are as a person and then become a better person then before. 

I am sitting here writing this blog in awe. I pulled something from inside me that I didn't even know I was doing. I would start a fight with someone who loved me because I subliminally thought that them lashing back at me meant they truly cared. It's a twisted way of survival and we don't even know we are doing it. We loose relationships with people and don't even know it. I have lost many friendships and relationships with people because I hurt them and didn't even know I was doing so. I would ask myself  "Why" when the answer all along was that I was hurting them because I confused it for love. 

I never asked for the abuse, I didn't want it, but I was put through it. It changed who I am, it made me stronger, better, and able to now speak up against it. However it also twisted my way of thinking about love and how I receive it and give it. I didn't write this blog to put out my feelings to the world, but to inspire anyone going through life after surviving. I want you to know that because I found this within me, I can now see love for what it is. I can now love, truly love, without hurt, pain, or fear. I wrote this blog to reach out to anyone else who didn't know they were confusing love and pain, fear and love, abuse and love. The glorious part about learning who you are is the ability to take that pain and use it to push yourself into changing. Becoming a better person than I was yesterday is a goal I seek every single time I wake up. I realized the way I was giving and receiving love was wrong and guess what, tomorrow I will not be that person I was before. Being human is amazing because we can change, we can be the change, we can get out there and use our stories to inspire others. So if you are reading this and it tugged on something in yourself and you feel you can relate, then get up, get out and be the change you wish to see in the world by changing yourself, and your way of thinking!  

Ill never forget the pain I felt when I was struck by someone I thought I loved, but now I'll never forget the feeling I felt when I finally found true love within myself!

If you are a survivor of domestic violence and would like to join our weekly Women With Wings meetings please feel free to check out the Facebook page and get more information.
 https://www.facebook.com/WomenWithWings2?fref=ts

Dear John Doe

Dear John Doe,

John Doe, why the name? The name fits the memory your actions have forced me to conceal, therefore you are a dead thought to me. Nothing but a lingering emotion that comes up every so often when I feel my life is in danger. Soon enough I will have to look at you, face to face, and replay in front of a quiet room the day I first met you. However maybe that day won't come, maybe I won't have to see you, maybe I won't get the chance to read this to you and let you know how your actions changed my life.

As I write this letter to you, I ponder on how great of an impact the message I have for you is, and how it may also help others. This message is not just for you to hear anymore, but for everyone reading this. As the date draws closer, I think about why I was the one meant to meet you that day, and the answer is so clear now. I was put in your life because I am strong enough to speak out, face you, and risk putting my own life in danger. However most importantly, it's about how I am strong enough to forgive you. This is the story on how serendipity meets forgiveness, and how one woman stood up and instead of showing anger and hate, showed love and mercy.

The last few months have been a wreck on my mind, body, and spirit. In turn I have reached within myself and found the woman I was always meant to be. Through all the pain, fear, and hurt, I flourished into someone new. It took great tragedy in my life for me too finally find the strength in myself to become the woman I knew I always was, become the change I needed to become. The transformation started because of you.

On a cold winter day, the snow began to fall as I was in my studio working with a regular client. I was happy and blissful, telling her about the new relationship I had found and how I thought he may just be "the one". Typical girl talk, but it was a good day, a day etched into my memory forever. I closed up shop and my dad picked me up for a quick lunch and then I was going to drop him off at work. The snow was piling up pretty bad, and my dad and I talked about how we wished for warmer days. Nothing in particular was out of ordinary as we pulled into a convenient store so that my dad could grab some last minute snacks for work. I sat in the car messaging the guy I was dating at the time about how cold it was that day. That's when I see my dad run angrily up to me and get into the car. I will spare the details of what went on in the store, but I was told to take a photo of the next man that walked out of the door. Frantically I search for my phones camera app and snap, *one...two...three* You stared right into my eyes, a blank stare, a stare of pure hate. A hate for people, for life, for anyone who stood in your way. Instinct kicks in and I say, "Drive up to his car and I'll get an image of the plates, *one...two*...there are no plates." My heart drops and I know what is happening. In slow motion I see you reach inside your car and turn at me with that I believe is a handgun. Running up to me, it is pointed right at my head. I am looking you in the eyes, your cold black eyes. You are screaming something at me, but I cannot hear you, because my ears are ringing, and I am screaming for my dad to leave.

On the phone with dispatch I am frantically yelling information, as you, or your accomplice are behind us. I scream into the phone, "Please hurry please, he is going to kill us, he is speeding up on the side of us, oh my God he is going to shoot, please, God I am too young to die, I don't want to die." At that moment I duck into the passenger seat with my hands over my head, dispatch goes silent, everything goes silent.

Let me tell you exactly what went through  my head those few seconds of silence, because they are permanently burned into my memory forever. I looked up and saw my dad staring right out the window at you, or whoever was in that car, and my thoughts went exactly like this. "This is how I am going to watch my dad die. I never got the chance to get married. I never got to have kids." Tears rolled down my face thinking this was it, but the car speed past us. That memory lives over and over in my head. It replays like a bad sitcom, reminding me of the moment I learned what death and the fear of it truly felt like to someone who was about to witness their own fate.

I spare many details, but because of who you are, my family was forced to change their lives. The days to follow we were forced to hide in a hotel, get new vehicles, take defense classes, arm ourselves, and were hit with the possibility of having to move.

Because of your actions you have affected my life in the following ways.
I can no longer go into convenience stores alone, and if I do I have the worst PTSD.
If anyone stands close behind me in a line I freak out, and become agitated.
I have to be in constant fear of retaliation, therefore forcing me to arm and protect myself.
I have to find guidance counseling through the church.
I don't trust anyone that fits the "thug" stereotype look.
I am always looking behind me, assuming at every corner you or someone you know may be watching me.

However because of your actions and a few more hardships in my life, I was forced to look deep within myself and find peace. I needed peace, I deserve happiness. I never asked to meet you, I could have gone without it, but I believe that God has a plan for everyone, and this was our destiny. I met you because God knows my spirit, He knows my strength, He knows my heart, and how much I have the power to love, even those who hate me.

This is my message to you. 

Of all the people in this world, I out of anyone, understands the power of forgiveness. I have done some things in my life that I wish I could be forgiven for. I have hit rock bottom, and been in situations where I needed to change my life for the better. I learned from my mistakes, forgave myself, changed myself, and I became the person standing here today. I believe that if a person is truly sorry for what they have done, and they truly intend to change and better off themselves, then they deserve another chance at some point in their lives. Even the Lord tells us, "For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you."

I am not here to condemn you, nor toss stones at you for your sins. I am here today to tell my story, to make a testimony from it, and to let a judge decide the terms of your consequences. Yet, most of all I am standing here today to tell you that I forgive you for what you did to me and my family. I hope that by me speaking up, you find yourself, just as I have. I hope that  not only do you forgive yourself, but become the person that you too were always meant to be. Not a thug on the streets, but a man of honor, of change, of God.

My message for the world.

I hope everyone reading this can look deep into themselves today, and forgives anyone who has hurt them, come against them, broke them. We all make mistakes, we are human, but we harvest the power within us that can change the world. A power that can change people, that can change ourselves. We must go out into this world and execute love, mercy, and forgiveness. This my friends does not make us weak people, but more powerful than the strongest of man. Without forgiveness, we breed hate, and that hate for our fellow people my friends is why I met my John Doe.

Speak Life

This morning I awoke from a dream that sparked instant emotions inside me. I wanted to roll back over and fall right back into that dream. It was of something I miss so much, something my heart aches for everyday. However I rolled over and sobbed into my pillow, silently whispering, "Today is going to be a bad day isn't it." Within that instance I remembered what my friend Danielle said at our weekly Domestic Violence meetings. She said, "Speak life, every morning find a way to speak life." So I wiped the tears from my eyes and did exactly what she said. "Yeshua, I come to you asking for your grace to overwhelm me today, bring into my day happiness, strength, and courage. Today is going to be amazing, and I am going to use today to make  myself one step closer to fulfilling your will."

Now we all go through our own personal struggles in life. I have come to know in the last two weeks that everyone out there is struggling with something. I am so thankful for the group meetings I attend because I have been able to surround myself with very strong, passionate women who are able to comfort one another in their own time of need. I have also learned ways to overcome situations in life through those meetings. What I have learned I want to share with everyone who follows my blog. I want to share this because I hope it speaks to someone out there who is also going through a hard time. 

As the human race, we are overcomers of all obstacles in our lives. Sometimes our situations are more difficult than others. People do not merely overcome and then change, for we change because of how we overcame. We change because of our behaviors when we are dealing with our struggle, because of our mindsets, because we see hope in ourselves. We change for the better when we really want change, when we see that staying the same is harder than becoming someone new. Changing up our thoughts, our behaviours, and our situations, this is what sparks inner growth and inner peace. When you speak life into your situations you set the tone for the rest of your day, and the rest of your life. If you wake up and say, "Today is going to suck!" Then you bet your fine little cheeks that it is going to suck, for you already spoke life into your day. I am a very strong believer that the words you put out there, evolve and take on motion in your life. When you are having a hard day, a hard week, a hard year, I get how easy it is to just mope around in a self fulfilled depression, believe me I have been there, I am there right now! However we have control over all of that, so speak life. No matter how hard your day seems, no matter what obstacle comes at you, speak life into it. I know it is hard to stop your mind from dwindling into depression, but just stop and force yourself to say, "Although I know I am going through a tough situation, and I may not be in control of my situation, but I know I have control of how I handle it, and because I am in control of myself today is going to be amazing. I am going to use today to become stronger, more courageous, happier, more loving, and more forgiving. Today is my day to shine." Speak life and believe it and I promise you, tomorrow will be that much easier! 

Learning Patience, Saving Grace!

We are all human, we all make mistakes, the way we learn to never make those mistakes again is by finding what it is that made you make that mistake and changing it. This week I have done a lot of soul searching, I have been forced to ask myself what I need to change about myself in order to prosper. I am happy to say that this soul searching has paid off, and now I can share what I learned, so that everyone can benefit.

Throughout my journey I have learned that I am in desperate need of patience. My business makes money through social media, so I have become adapt to quick responses. Adapt to always being connected. I have found that many of us lack patience when it comes to waiting for something, especially the younger generations since they are literally living inside their media outlets, living inside 3 minute or less responses. Well let me just tell you all out there, this is not the real world. In the real world we have to wait for things. The saying, "patience is a virtue" should not be taken lightly. It really is a virtue, and a trait that can be learned.

 Take my boyfriend for example, he is one of the most patient men I know, and because of him I have learned that I desperately need to acquire this trait in order to be an overall better, more well rounded, happier person, also a more successful entrepreneur. So how is it one acquires patience? Here are a few things that I do daily now to become a more patient person.

1.) YOGA 

Although I haven't been able to make it to a class this week, I have been doing it at home, and wow! I highly recommend it. It not only takes your mind away from what you are anxious for, but it feels great, and when you feel great you do great things! 

2.) PRAY

I am not here to argue religious beliefs, if you pray to YHWH or if you don't, just pray. Pray to the stars if you must. However, release those words into the universe, literally speak them, sit there and speak great blessings upon yourself, upon others. This week I have done nothing but pray. I have prayed for myself, my boyfriend, my family. I am a huge believer that what you vocalize, and put out there, finds a way to manifest itself. Have you ever heard the saying, "be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it?" This is the same concept, and if feels good to release those thoughts built up in your mind. 

3.) DO SOMETHING

Feeling anxious? Do something! Do you enjoy crafts? Take up a project. I was feeling very impatient this week, so I decided to get up and get out.  I went to tan, I grabbed a bite to eat with a friend, I went to a group meeting, I got ice cream, and I started working on a dreamcatcher mobile for my friends expecting baby! It not only helps pass the time, but it gets your mind off what you are waiting for. If you act out upon your lack of patience, you will soon regret a thousand of your words and actions. So be patient with life and leave forth no regrets in the future. 

4.) TRUST

Trust that everything will turn out fine. Ask yourself if what is getting you anxious will be important one day, one week, one month, one year from now. I am a very spiritual person, I put my trust in the hands of YHWH knowing that all things work out for the better will. Trusting in knowing that you will overcome, leads to great patience! 

                                                                        5.) CHANGE 

Now here is the hardest yet most rewarding part. Change is necessary at this point, you must learn to wake up everyday and practice being patient. If you do not make a constant attempt to change, to learn from your mistakes, or take daily strides at changing for the better then you will always fall right back into your old ways. Your relationships will continue to fall apart, your friends will continue to come in and out of your life, and you will constantly be waiting. 

I have learned that in order to have a successful relationship, career, family life, anything, we must learn how to be patient, learn from our mistakes, change for the better, and always keep positive in a bad situation. Forgiveness, love, trust, and many other things go along the same path, but I want to keep this short and sweet. There are also many other things that you can do to help yourself in becoming more patient, but I wanted to outline the main things I did that helped me 100%. You must step back and ask yourself, "Is this worth changing for? Has my little patience caused me to loose relationships, money, business, happiness?" If the answer is yes, then get out there and make the change you so desperately need, and be happy! Be truly happy! 

Believe It Or Not

Today I was talking with a fellow artist and he asked me, "Do you still believe in true love? Do you believe in those fairy tales?" I sat back and thought about this question. All of our lives we are told to fall in love, get married, live long, prosper, and then die having parted the world in the unity of a fulfilling marriage. Till death do us part, right? Having been through the pain of heartbreak plenty of times, I said, "I believe in true love because I have been through true pain, and one cannot exist without the other." We all go through an emotional battle within our own lives, people kill for love, die for love, fight for love. The need to be loved overpowers all obstacles. It is the best and the worst of emotions. Do I believe there is someone out there for everyone? Yes! I believe there are multiple people out there for us, it is not in finding them that is the problem, the problem lies within finding ourselves.

Two years ago I left a relationship in the middle of the night. I left because there was no more love, had I loved? Yes, but that love was gone and we were destroying each other over it. I was broken after that relationship, I thought I could never love again, never be loved again. That feeling of such pain lingered until I found myself within the expression of my emotions through my photography. After finding myself I found the guy I am currently with. Being stood up in California by one potential partner I randomly meet another. He changed what I thought was true about being loved by someone else. Throughout the months of knowing this man, I realized that I can be loved again, and I could love. I could finally be free with someone who was just like me in so many ways. A gypsy, wondering this earth, looking for inner meaning, self peace, and the truth of this universe. I knew it was possible for my heart to beat once more for not just me, but someone else. That was a gift I was given in that moment of time, the gift of knowing I can be loved, and what a wonderful gift it is to find. 

Now I don't know if I will be with this guy till the end of time, because well, time is mysterious and anything at any given moment can be taken from us. However, what I learned from this is that we all deal with this feeling at some point. We ask ourselves, "What is wrong with me, why can't I find anyone to love me?" The answer is so utterly simple that we don't accept it. See, we are all capable of love and being loved. Nothing is wrong with any of you, the problem is you first have got to accept that you can and deserve to be loved, you first must find it within yourself. We are all beautiful people caught up in a dark cruel world. The only way out is to accept the beauty of knowing love is out there, and accept that it will break you at times, but it is worth so much more knowing that each break brings beauty, only if you choose to see the beauty in it. 

So do I believe in true love? Well, I believe I have suffered great pain because of great love, and if I can love before I can love again and there is nothing truer than that, believe it or not. 

Photography provided by Malissa Ahlin Photography of Southern Colorado 

http://malissaahlin.com/

Long Distance Relationshits: The Struggle is Real

There is that good ole saying that people tell you to comfort you when you are in a LDR (Long Distance Relationship), "Absence makes the heart grow fonder, darling." Yeah well, although it does do that, it also makes you go apeshit from time to time too.

The day I met my boyfriend I knew he was something special the minute he walked into the back corner of the bar he manages. He was tall, built, handsome, but most of all kind and sweet. I didn't know I would be falling head over heels for him, but I knew I would do anything in my power to make sure he stayed part of my life. So I did what any desperate girl in love at first sight does, added him to Facebook.

A few months later, thousands of texts, hundreds of calls, and multiple trips, one of us had to make the big ole LDR decision of who is moving. I chose to move to him because well... California duh. However mainly because I cannot go an hour without thinking of him and yearned to be by his side every time I woke up. Yesterday was one of the many days I had a full on breakdown. Crying like a child, throwing a tantrum, contemplating my whole life. Our life, my dogs life. Gosh I may as well have been tossed into the state hospital and locked up for being emotionally crazed. Many of you who are in an LRD understand this feeling. The feeling of superior loneliness. Even when you are surrounded by all the ones you love. That one person is not there to comfort you, and you are lonely in a room full of people. Your heart aches and cries for just the touch of that persons face, and you ask yourself if you can possibly take another year of this. People in LDRs wake up every morning and count down the days, hours and minutes till you get to see them again. It's a struggle sometimes to maintain sanity.

The best part about my LDR is that if anything were to happen we are only a plane flight away. My heart breaks for military spouses who cannot do this. I seriously have no clue how they pull through at times. I give them my utter respect because I bet those breakdowns are worse than my own!

Running a business, running this relationship, and just getting through the day is so hard at times. Not only for me but for everyone. Yesterday was just another day marked off in the books, another bad day that is only a memory, another day closer to being with the one I love. Every day people tell me to just be strong, but I'm here to tell everyone and especially those in an LDR that it is okay to not always be strong. It is okay to cry, to breakdown, to throw a tantrum. It actually feels better. Tomorrow is another day, so make the best of today, and if that means crying and kicking and screaming then do just that.

Dating my boyfriend has made me appreciate the moments we are together. We take in every single minute we are near each other. We make hours feel like months. This is why we have something special, because the pain of being apart makes us appreciate the moments we are together. So this is me, telling you all,  when you are having a down and out day, and your heart is missing someone so dearly, it is okay to go a little apeshit!

Photo Courtesy of April Styles Photography

Hey YOU! Having a craptastic day? Read this right MEOW!

Hey you! Yes you, I know something about you. Weird right!? Well I do. I know that you are going through something tough in your life and may be having a hard time remaining positive.

I like to think of myself as a pretty positive and happy person, but yesterday sure broke me. I let things that were out of my control, control me, and I lost my shit. Literally, I lost my keys and tore up the house looking for them. Which ended up in me falling to my knees and crying like a baby until nothing was left to cry. I tried to talk to my boyfriend about it, but I just became more upset, and possibly upset him too, because the main problem was ME and I was having a hard time accepting that. I allowed myself to be taken over by the circumstances of a situation that I could do nothing about. But guess what? We can do something about it! YES we can! I woke up this morning depressed and rolled over to go back to sleep, when I thought, "Get your ass up, get out of bed and DO SOMETHING." Just do something. This is the beginning of learning how to cope when the whole world just keeps telling you no.

Well, after getting myself together, I put together a little list of things to help you stay positive in a not so positive situation. I promise you, if you do these things you will have a hard time not smiling and realizing, that little crappy mountain you are climbing is really just a little crappy hill. 

1. TELL YOURSELF YOU ARE SEXY AND WORTH IT

This is so cliche but it works! Go ahead look in that mirror, you see those bags under your eyes, those grey hairs, that zit? I sure do, and guess what? That makes me perfect, raggedy hair and all. I am me, you are you, we are perfect, sexy, and worth it. Now look in that mirror and say it out loud, yes say it out loud. "I am amazing, I really am, I am perfect the way I am. Society don't define me, I define me, and I am worth all the happiness in the world." Now believe it because I believe you are. 

2. EAT THAT DAMN CUPCAKE

Okay, I'm just putting it out there, one cupcake is not going to add 10 pounds to you. Now indulge in that guilty pleasure. It will make you feel amazeballs! Now I am off to the mall to indulge in the cupcake shop there! YUMMO!! 

3. TREAT YOURSELF

Now I am not saying book an expensive vacation you cannot afford to the Bahamas, but go buy yourself something, something small, something like a new shirt you have your eye on. Stop thinking you need to please others, just stop that right now, please yourself first. 

4. MAKE A LIST AND GET IT DONE

There is something about checking things off a list that fuels me to be happy. Make a small list of things you want to accomplish, and make it a goal to check off everything from that list. You will feel a lot better about yourself! Now git er' done!  

5. ORGANIZE SOMETHING

I don't care what it is just organize it. You will feel refreshed! 

6. UNDERSTAND, ACCEPT, AND APPRECIATE 

Getting serious here, these three things are a must. You must understand that you are not always in control of the situation you are in, but you are in control of how you handle it. My finances are a wreck, I acted like a little baby yesterday and blamed everyone but myself. Today I am pulling out my Dave Ramsey books from school and getting myself back in control. Letting the situation define you accomplishes nothing. Take control of the only thing you can, yourself. 

Accept that you will be okay. Look at the situation and realise that every obstacle today will eventually be only a memory tomorrow. Accept the situation and handle it. The only hand we are given in this life is the one at the end of our arms. Accept that and shine on! 

Finally, appreciate the things you do have. I woke up this morning and realised I have a good family, a nice little business, cool clients that text me weird and funny things at 6AM and wake me up, and an amazing out of the world boyfriend who not only listens to me complain about everything going wrong, but helps me overcome all my little hills. Appreciate how great the cold air feels on your lungs when you are outside. Appreciate that hot tea your drinking. Appreciate yourself, and all your accomplishments, even if they are small. 

Now that you made it through that list it is up to YOU to make a change. In a world that will rain on you whenever it gets a chance, learn to get a little wet in it and DANCE. Dance until this crappy little day starts to shine. Now shine on, because you are worthy of happiness! And don't forget that cupcake!