The Tampax Baby: My TSS Story

Hello, Tasha? This is the 80’s and we would like our tampons back.

As many of my friends can attest, I have always wanted to experience the process of giving birth, but not to a condensed piece of cotton, via TSS. Now I am not saying this even came close to a real birth, but I am pretty sure the contractions I had were pretty spot on to the real thing. I am not going to get into detail on how long I forgot this fabric of life was inside me, because Lord knows if I don’t remain single because of my personality, then this blog will definitely be the nail in my love coffin.

All humor aside, TSS, also known as Toxic Shock Syndrome, is a very serious problem that is kept silent because of the taboo stigma that is put on women about it. TSS can happen to anyone, even men and children. It is a bacterial infection that happens due to the result of toxins that enter into the blood stream. Talking about this infection is so embarrassing that even the doctor, of all people, told me that she would keep mum, and not mention anything to anyone. See, this is the DAMN problem though! If someone would have talked about TSS and the symptoms then I could have prevented a lot of what I had to go through.

So here I am, going against my doctors orders, and telling you how to spot TSS so you don’t end up where I did.

I knew the morning I woke up that something was wrong, but never did I think I would have forgotten a super absorbent cooter cork inside me. My menstrual cycle is fairly short so when I checked for the tampon and couldn’t find it, I figured I must have taken it out the night before, and went on with life. HOW IN THE HELL did I lose something like that inside me? Well I have asked myself that over and over. See what can happen is the tampon can turn sideways, and anyone who has worn one before knows that when inserted properly, you shouldn’t be able to feel it. Sooooo there ya go…

The symptoms started soon after, but they were similar to a yeast infection. Being the way cool person I am I turned to treating the symptoms of candida via pro-biotics. One thing that was different was the discharge, it was watery like pee, and smelt nothing like a yeast infection. GROSS I KNOW!! However, I know my body in and out. I know all about any female issue that a woman can go through and how to naturally cure it, except this was different and I could not put my finger on it, literally.

Soon after these symptoms appeared, I developed horrible stabbing pains in my kidneys and a horrible constant cramp/pressure in my lower abdomen. This is when I think, oh great a UTI. I load myself up with tons of water and cranberry pills, after a few days the kidney pains stopped and I figured I won! Um  no, the watery discharge came back, and the smell too, that is…. Well,  is (OKAY GROSS WARNING) similar to decaying flesh. OMG I said it, there, as if this hasn’t been traumatic enough I have to admit my vagina smelt like a witch hunt that ended up with burning a zombie at the stake on the set of a Fabreze commercial that went horribly wrong.

One other symptoms that I had was oral thrush to the bottom of my throat and a TSS rash on my face. It was so bad that my eyes were bruised around the edges, and looked similar to a black eye. The rash burnt, almost like a sun burn and itched off and on. I couldn’t even “put the lotion on its skin”, and had to use my oils. I figured I was allergic to my makeup, and I never knew it was my body reacting to the toxins building up inside me.

The night I realized something was very wrong, I went to eat with the family, came home, and had the worst cramps of my life. This resulted in vomiting and diarrhea. I’m thinking, “Dammit Cracker Barrel you got me this time…” yet, this was no food poisoning. I was to the point where there was nothing else left to sacrifice to the toilet gods, and I began dry heaving. This is when the contractions kicked in. I cannot explain how weird they felt, it was as if my pelvis drank a very carbonated beer and was burping, but with a lot of pain attached to each burp. No later than that I started coughing a horrible dry cough. This coughing is what did it, the pressure pushed the tampon to the ridge of my pelvic bone.

Now you have to realize at this point I am freaking out. I HAVE NO clue what is going on and I literally and honestly thought I coughed my vagina muscles out, because I could feel something abnormal in there. I once knew a guy who pushed his poop out so hard that his butthole popped out too, and I ain't about to go out like him! 

Now, I am laying over the toilet thinking, OMG I am going to have to have my bikini biscuit tucked back in surgically. Mortified I call my mom to come and help me, and  I am in the most pain of my life and scared to death, and yell at her to please help me and see what I coughed out, which is technically still inside me. The minute she says, “I don’t know, but it is white.” I knew. I knew I done mess up, BIG TIME. I reach in there and pulled out a very used and abused crotch swab that almost made me black out. I knew about TSS from reading about it while bored on the loo, on the back of a Tampax box so I knew I had to get to the hospital.Oh and I was also coxed by like 50 of my amazing organi-girlfriends in a private natural healing group.

The nurses at the hospital were surprised, just as surprised as me that I wasn’t worse off. My pee was amazingly clear for being a toxic bombshell. I blame the reason I am not worse off on my semi-organic and natural life style (I am a sucker for juicy unhealthy burgers and fries... aaaannnd hoppy beer). I know if I had not been on such things like, acidophilus, colloidal silver, ACV, and watched my diet then I could have ended up worse. ANYWHOO I am on extreme antibiotics to treat all these symptoms along with a severe case of BV. Of course I also prescribed myself a ton of pro-biotics and live cultures to combat what antibiotics do to you. By the way I turned down the trillions of big pharma pain meds they pushed on me because well… yeah those are a tisk tisk no no…(IDK why I needed percos for this!?) However, I am here, alive, and able to walk out of the hospital without having to undergo anything worse than my ego being crushed.

TSS is honestly no laughing matter but I deal best with humor when talking about my horribly embarrassing infection. Many have lost limbs and have even died because of this. I am lucky, and now I can share with you my story so that hopefully if you ever come across any of these symptoms, you know exactly what is going on.

I’ll leave you with a quote from my amazing nurse, who made my whole stay bearable, “Thanks for being a naturalist and having a home birth, because last time I pulled one of those out it cleared the hospital room.”

If I perish, I perish.

I was six.

I remember looking at my great grandfather and saying, “I won’t live past 30 because I want to be with you then... (30 was my 90 as a child).” I remember it because I was put in time out for saying such a horrible thing.

I was 21.

A psychic grabbed my palm and said, “What in the hell did you do to piss someone off so bad? You won’t live very long.”

Now listen here, I am a child of the one true King. Lord. YHWH. God. I AM, the King of Kings, the Savior of the World. I do not partake nor believe in the abilities of psychics or random childhood statements of death. I believe that God and God only knows the timing of our fates. However, lately I have begun to believe that my life, a beautiful, and yet painful life, is young lived.

If anyone follows my blog then you clearly have read my Dear John Blog posted about a year ago. Now is the time to testify. YAY! I have already had one court date that I had to look this monster in the eyes, now comes jury time. Woot Woot!! Only for one of the top gang ass hats in this town. Can’t WAIT to have to see him again. Today I received a call that all other witnesses have backed out due to fear. Now PUEBLO is counting on me and my father! Oh such glorious news! The Pueblo judicial system, which has failed us miserably before over and over, is counting on us to make sure he is given due time? Which is what? A slap on the hand to him and a death sentence to us? I cannot wait!

Well, just shit!

So this blog isn’t going to be wasted on complaining about a POS thug who I believe needs a dose of the Big YESHUA up in his life, nor about how much I hate the judicial system, or gangs, or people who hate wine. No this blog is about me, because Lord knows I am the key target, oops I mean witness of my life.  

Over the last year I have been able to look deep inside myself and find out what a wonderful person I truly am. I studied the Word of the Lord more than I ever studied in Bible College. I ran away and sat with the Lords presence. Let Him hold me, comfort me, tell me through His Scripture that there is so much more than this! (Holla!! Enoch the 2^nd over here!) I have felt hope, love, joy, and pain. I have looked into the mirror and smiled, I have looked into the mirror and cried. But most of all I have looked into the mirror and loved.

Love is one of the biggest blessings the Lord has given me in my 29 years of life. I loved one man close enough to want as a husband. I met him while on a business/birthday trip gone wrong. That love didn’t last long, but I loved, and man it felt good!

I loved my mother who gave me strength. I loved my father who gave me power. I loved my brother who gave me patience, my nephew who gave me hope, and my sister in law who gave me freedom. I loved many friends, many family members. I loved my great grandfather who believed in who I could be, my great grandmother who pushed me to forgive and my grandmother Rose, who gave me the ability to find light in the loneliest moments. ABOVE ALL I LOVED!!!! How amazing is it that in a world of pain, hurt, tears, poverty, hunger, doubt… I loved? I was a survivor of a rape, of domestic violence, of the toils of this world and yet I still found a way to love, forgive, and hope! Not only that, but to become an advocate and teach others that through our pain, love and forgiveness are possible!

So I sat down tonight, poured a glass of wine, and looked to the Heavens. I smiled. I said, “God hear me, I wanted to always be a gem in a world of rocks. To always do your will, and be to this world what you needed of it. I wanted to be a vessel of your kindness. Thus here I am, ready to meet you, my father, my comforter, my heart. ”

The desires of my heart were to be married, have children, travel, explore, and become part of the third world or inmate ministries. Yet, cutting it close to 30 and having to put my life in danger in order to help others, I may never come to see those desires of my heart.

Yet, I am okay with where I am! And here I am, at this moment, telling you that I am happy with who I am, who I have become, I am more than happy, I am proud of myself! I have done many things in my life up to now. If I am living in the last days of my life then I am so proud of how far I have come.  There are many things in life we cannot understand. We want what is best for us, not what is best for God. Although at times I have felt He has been unfair, I know that everything He has done through me has been for the best of me. I lived a life of love, of hope, and of faith. It may be hard to comprehend where I am coming from now, but believe me, when you are hit with the reality that you could face your own death sooner than later, you see things in a different light.

My hero is a woman named Esther. She stood up against her own fate in order to save her people from a tragic death. However, before she went against the King she said, “…if I perish, I perish.” This is the type of woman I want to be. Brave, not afraid of what is to come against me, for what shall if He is for me right? Therefore, with a humble heart, I will do what I have to do in order to make the world, the town... PUEBLO a safer place for others, even if that means I too shall perish as an example.

But unfortunately it took up until today to learn that the best way to live, is as if you are dying tomorrow.

Sticks and Stones

Last night I lay in bed scrolling my phone and deleting messages. I hoard messages and calls. I am one of those people who literally never deletes texts. Last night I felt as though I needed to do so. I wanted a sort of, new beginning, if that makes any sense. Well I stumbled upon messages from an ex and I decided to read them. Every other message contained the words, "I am busy." Sorry I am too busy to call, sorry I've been busy, sorry can't make it there I got pretty busy. A while back I had found out that he really wasn't all that busy, his time was just being shared with someone else. and I no longer was any sort of priority in the life we once shared. These three words I have began to resent. Even hearing them I cringe and my blood fills with anxiety. My thoughts start to wonder off and create problems that were never there to begin with whenever anyone tells me they are "too busy."

How is it that words can have such an effect on us? Make us build these walls of insecurity, that no one can seem to break down? Why is it that because one person hurt us with their words and actions that we automatically assume the next person will hurt us the same way as well? There are so many questions I don't have the answers too. I hurt myself so much because I dwell on my own thoughts when someones tells me they are going to do something and they don't do it, or when someones tells me they are busy but aren't. It's like an automatic trigger in my life that shoots me back to a place of so much hurt. I associate these actions and words with my past and not being at least of some importance in someone's life whom I care about. I have allowed these three words to consume me, and it is so utterly stupid! Part of me wants to keep these words as a wall so that I can use them to never get hurt again, and then part of me wants to let them go. Let them go because they have become like chains holding me back from a brighter and better future.

I started to think, what if it was me that was the problem? What if I am the reason why some people just don't have time for me. Then I realized I was thinking too much! Way too much, and that was creating problems inside my own head that weren't even real. So today I took those words and wrote them on a piece of paper, then I set fire to the paper, letting go of the resentment I felt toward those words that have been a weight on me for too long. Today I finally let go of my fear of words, my fear of being hurt by them, and embraced the beautiful future I have ahead of me!

Love at First...Emotion?

Damn emotions! There I said it, and quite frankly I have a love hate relationship with them. Sometimes they make me feel like I am wonder woman and other times they make me feel like, well... shit. As I pour myself a glass of merlot, and sit at my desk to start working on marketing, I am overcome with the strongest emotions of regret and self awareness. How many times do I have to mess up before I look myself in the mirror and shout to myself, "Stop doing that you dumb ass!" I am a very slow learner and I have no one to blame for that but myself. See, I am an overthinker. I will over think something so much that I will drain myself of every inch of happiness until I am a blob of sobbing tears, looking for a way out of my own mind. True story.

However, let me tell you why I am really here, love. Love, love, love... the most messed up of emotions. It can have you floating, and it can slowly and very painfully kill you. Almost four months ago, well, March 20th to be exact, I ended a very short relationship. It was fun while it lasted, but things just didn't work out. I was HEARTBROKEN. I mean, for at least 2 months straight I cried myself to sleep. How could I ever find love again? Just how. Then a guy walks into my life out of no where, so naturally I do what I do best and turn his requests to meet up down. Why? Because the cardinal rule of dating after dating, you don't date too soon because... well... I have no good reason for that rule. I guess it has something to do with you not being emotionally ready to date again, blah blah. But who am I to follow the rules, right? Well coffee started to sound pretty good, and his selfies were starting to look better and better each post. 

We meet for the first time in person outside of Starbucks at 7:30am. Well, he was there at that time, naturally I run late to everything, so I was there at more like 7:40am. The moment I lay eyes on him my heart drops, and I knew then at that moment that I was going to fall and fall hard. However, my past relationship began to creep up on me. See my ex told me he was always busy, too busy for this, too busy for that. He was always just too busy at work, and when I found out the truth behind his lack of time to share with me, I was punched right in the heart. I told myself to never accept anyone who says they are too busy for you. If someone wants to be in your life, they will always make time. Well a week into talking to this new stud, I get the "I am so busy right now, I wish we could hang out more." Well anyone who knows me knows I lost it, I heard my ex all over again and I said to myself, well I better push this one away and be crazy as shit, because Lord knows all people are like my ex (sarcasm). Well, turns out this guy really was just busy that week, and I made a full on ass of myself. Way to go Tasha! One in the count for me, but no, I am not happy about what I did. See I let my past dictate my future. Lucky for me this man is more forgiving than me, and I forgive a lot, but I hurt him and could have possibly hindered anything we could have had. 

Now let me get to all you readers out there, and tell you something I learned today. LEAVE YOUR PAST IN THE PAST. The people who come into your life now or in the future are NOT your past, they will never be the person who hurt you, so stop hurting yourself by letting your past dictate your future. Take this advice from me seriously. I am one stubborn pain in the ass woman, but after having some in depth thought, and looking deep into myself, I found my answer all along. I need to learn to let go, let go of it all. Fall in love again, let someone else love you, love until you are puking up butterflies because everytime you look into that persons eyes your stomach drops and your soul screams! With love will come great pain, but without it will come great regret.

Heartache and Wine

Well, what do we have here? A little bit of heartbreak mixed with a little box of wine, and it makes for a very crappy beginning to the summer. Recently I have noticed that there seems to be a rising increase in the broken hearts category lately. Although I am horrible at giving relationship and love advice, considering I can't keep a man's attention for more than a few hours if I'm lucky, and if he's not already cold drunk. I figure I can at least let everyone in on what I learned from having a broken heart myself.

Three months of self acceptance was in the making this Spring and I didn't even have a clue that this is what was actually happening. I figured it was just three months of pure torture, tears, and a whole lot of merlot. Living with a broken heart is by far one of the worst feelings a person can go through. Whether it is from the loss of someone, something, or the loss of love, it hurts! I would rather take a punch to the jugular with a stun gun than to feel that pain again. Yet through the turmoil came a time when I said to myself, "enough." It took courage to look myself in the mirror and remind myself of who I was and who I was destined to become. It was time to look into myself, take the hurt I was feeling, and fuel myself to the next step. 

Three months of heartbreak taught me that I am worth so much more than I thought. 

Finally I was able to see the beauty inside myself, the leader I want to be, the beautiful soul I seek to unearth. I am worth more than tears, more than pain, and so are you. It's hard to see at first but once you see it you will never settle for less than that again. 

I learned patience.

The single most important thing I learned is patience. I prayed for it and oh boy did I pay for that prayer! The good Lord sure gave me something to be patient about, three months worth of it. Living in a world where everyone gets everything they want and right away kills our patience. After three months of having to wait on answers I still haven't received, I learned that waiting for the right thing, at the right time is better than getting the wrong things fast. 

Significant others do not complete you. 

I used to think that in order to live a happy life in a happy relationship that I needed that one person to complete me. This my friends is a lie. If you are not complete with yourself, then the brokenness pours into the relationship and you repel your mate rather than bring them closer. Find yourself before you bring someone else into the mix. You want a relationship where two complete puzzle pieces come together to make one big picture. 

Forgiveness.

Forgiving those who hurt you does not make you a weak person, because it takes a whole lot of strength to forgive someone who broke your heart. 

I found myself. 

Three months of heartache allowed me to dig deep into myself and ask myself daily who I really am. I am a loving, passionate, woman who believes in fighting for what you believe in. I bend the rules to make people think. I enjoy being a voice for the voiceless, donating my time, helping the helpless. I am beautiful with flaws that make me unique. I am strong although I have my weaknesses. I am a fighter who uses negativity to empower me and my business in order to push myself onto the next level of success. I will never need a significant other to complete me, I want one to join me in my travels to becoming a better person for this world. We all need to find ourselves, find out who we are, define who we will become, so that no one can define that for us. 

This summer started off pretty crappy for many of us, we found ourselves dancing in the rain so no one saw our tears. Now it's time to take that heartbreak and use it to make ourselves stronger, better, and more beautiful than before. Don't need it, want it. The most beautiful art comes from the most horrible of pain, now dig inside and start painting. 

Life After Surviving

I'll never forget the sound a golf club makes after being broken across my back. It's a distant memory that gets replayed in my mind on and off when I am sitting with other women telling them that there is always a way out. Many of you know me as a photographer, entrepreneur, blogger, or a motivational speaker. Yet, not many of you know my story as a survivor. This is the story of what I discovered about myself after going through the daily verbal and physical abuse of a relationship I had a few years ago.

This last month and a half I have done a lot of self exploration. I have looked deep into who I am as a person and questioned everything about myself. "Who am I?" I asked. I am an independent, strong, loving, super forgiving, woman who took a few hundred of bucks and moved back to Colorado with the clothes on my back, a camera, a bible and started up a successful business. I am a dreamer, a traveler, a motivational speaker. I love working with the homeless, other survivors, and anything to do with giving back to the community. I love dancing, laughing, theater, and music. I am a pretty upbeat and outgoing woman. Yet, I am also suffering with deeper issues that I suppress and hide deep within me because of the aftermath of being a victim of domestic violence. Of all the things I brought to light, I found out that I associated love with pain. It's the craziest thing! After being in an abusive relationship for so long I subliminally rewired my mind to believe that the only way for someone to show me love is to be upset with me. Yelling at me, hurting me, hitting me was a way to say "I love you". How horrible is that? Even I was shocked at this new revelation. How is it that someone as strong willed as me could allow myself to go through years of this? Yet, we all do things in life that sometimes we cannot understand. Some of the strongest men and women have been in the same situation or even remain in the same situation as I was. Confusing abuse for love is such a crazy ideal, but it happens. If you are reading this and are going through the same thing, just know you are not alone! Life after surviving is difficult when you have to find out who you truly are as a person and then become a better person then before. 

I am sitting here writing this blog in awe. I pulled something from inside me that I didn't even know I was doing. I would start a fight with someone who loved me because I subliminally thought that them lashing back at me meant they truly cared. It's a twisted way of survival and we don't even know we are doing it. We loose relationships with people and don't even know it. I have lost many friendships and relationships with people because I hurt them and didn't even know I was doing so. I would ask myself  "Why" when the answer all along was that I was hurting them because I confused it for love. 

I never asked for the abuse, I didn't want it, but I was put through it. It changed who I am, it made me stronger, better, and able to now speak up against it. However it also twisted my way of thinking about love and how I receive it and give it. I didn't write this blog to put out my feelings to the world, but to inspire anyone going through life after surviving. I want you to know that because I found this within me, I can now see love for what it is. I can now love, truly love, without hurt, pain, or fear. I wrote this blog to reach out to anyone else who didn't know they were confusing love and pain, fear and love, abuse and love. The glorious part about learning who you are is the ability to take that pain and use it to push yourself into changing. Becoming a better person than I was yesterday is a goal I seek every single time I wake up. I realized the way I was giving and receiving love was wrong and guess what, tomorrow I will not be that person I was before. Being human is amazing because we can change, we can be the change, we can get out there and use our stories to inspire others. So if you are reading this and it tugged on something in yourself and you feel you can relate, then get up, get out and be the change you wish to see in the world by changing yourself, and your way of thinking!  

Ill never forget the pain I felt when I was struck by someone I thought I loved, but now I'll never forget the feeling I felt when I finally found true love within myself!

If you are a survivor of domestic violence and would like to join our weekly Women With Wings meetings please feel free to check out the Facebook page and get more information.
 https://www.facebook.com/WomenWithWings2?fref=ts

Dear John Doe

Dear John Doe,

John Doe, why the name? The name fits the memory your actions have forced me to conceal, therefore you are a dead thought to me. Nothing but a lingering emotion that comes up every so often when I feel my life is in danger. Soon enough I will have to look at you, face to face, and replay in front of a quiet room the day I first met you. However maybe that day won't come, maybe I won't have to see you, maybe I won't get the chance to read this to you and let you know how your actions changed my life.

As I write this letter to you, I ponder on how great of an impact the message I have for you is, and how it may also help others. This message is not just for you to hear anymore, but for everyone reading this. As the date draws closer, I think about why I was the one meant to meet you that day, and the answer is so clear now. I was put in your life because I am strong enough to speak out, face you, and risk putting my own life in danger. However most importantly, it's about how I am strong enough to forgive you. This is the story on how serendipity meets forgiveness, and how one woman stood up and instead of showing anger and hate, showed love and mercy.

The last few months have been a wreck on my mind, body, and spirit. In turn I have reached within myself and found the woman I was always meant to be. Through all the pain, fear, and hurt, I flourished into someone new. It took great tragedy in my life for me too finally find the strength in myself to become the woman I knew I always was, become the change I needed to become. The transformation started because of you.

On a cold winter day, the snow began to fall as I was in my studio working with a regular client. I was happy and blissful, telling her about the new relationship I had found and how I thought he may just be "the one". Typical girl talk, but it was a good day, a day etched into my memory forever. I closed up shop and my dad picked me up for a quick lunch and then I was going to drop him off at work. The snow was piling up pretty bad, and my dad and I talked about how we wished for warmer days. Nothing in particular was out of ordinary as we pulled into a convenient store so that my dad could grab some last minute snacks for work. I sat in the car messaging the guy I was dating at the time about how cold it was that day. That's when I see my dad run angrily up to me and get into the car. I will spare the details of what went on in the store, but I was told to take a photo of the next man that walked out of the door. Frantically I search for my phones camera app and snap, *one...two...three* You stared right into my eyes, a blank stare, a stare of pure hate. A hate for people, for life, for anyone who stood in your way. Instinct kicks in and I say, "Drive up to his car and I'll get an image of the plates, *one...two*...there are no plates." My heart drops and I know what is happening. In slow motion I see you reach inside your car and turn at me with that I believe is a handgun. Running up to me, it is pointed right at my head. I am looking you in the eyes, your cold black eyes. You are screaming something at me, but I cannot hear you, because my ears are ringing, and I am screaming for my dad to leave.

On the phone with dispatch I am frantically yelling information, as you, or your accomplice are behind us. I scream into the phone, "Please hurry please, he is going to kill us, he is speeding up on the side of us, oh my God he is going to shoot, please, God I am too young to die, I don't want to die." At that moment I duck into the passenger seat with my hands over my head, dispatch goes silent, everything goes silent.

Let me tell you exactly what went through  my head those few seconds of silence, because they are permanently burned into my memory forever. I looked up and saw my dad staring right out the window at you, or whoever was in that car, and my thoughts went exactly like this. "This is how I am going to watch my dad die. I never got the chance to get married. I never got to have kids." Tears rolled down my face thinking this was it, but the car speed past us. That memory lives over and over in my head. It replays like a bad sitcom, reminding me of the moment I learned what death and the fear of it truly felt like to someone who was about to witness their own fate.

I spare many details, but because of who you are, my family was forced to change their lives. The days to follow we were forced to hide in a hotel, get new vehicles, take defense classes, arm ourselves, and were hit with the possibility of having to move.

Because of your actions you have affected my life in the following ways.
I can no longer go into convenience stores alone, and if I do I have the worst PTSD.
If anyone stands close behind me in a line I freak out, and become agitated.
I have to be in constant fear of retaliation, therefore forcing me to arm and protect myself.
I have to find guidance counseling through the church.
I don't trust anyone that fits the "thug" stereotype look.
I am always looking behind me, assuming at every corner you or someone you know may be watching me.

However because of your actions and a few more hardships in my life, I was forced to look deep within myself and find peace. I needed peace, I deserve happiness. I never asked to meet you, I could have gone without it, but I believe that God has a plan for everyone, and this was our destiny. I met you because God knows my spirit, He knows my strength, He knows my heart, and how much I have the power to love, even those who hate me.

This is my message to you. 

Of all the people in this world, I out of anyone, understands the power of forgiveness. I have done some things in my life that I wish I could be forgiven for. I have hit rock bottom, and been in situations where I needed to change my life for the better. I learned from my mistakes, forgave myself, changed myself, and I became the person standing here today. I believe that if a person is truly sorry for what they have done, and they truly intend to change and better off themselves, then they deserve another chance at some point in their lives. Even the Lord tells us, "For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you."

I am not here to condemn you, nor toss stones at you for your sins. I am here today to tell my story, to make a testimony from it, and to let a judge decide the terms of your consequences. Yet, most of all I am standing here today to tell you that I forgive you for what you did to me and my family. I hope that by me speaking up, you find yourself, just as I have. I hope that  not only do you forgive yourself, but become the person that you too were always meant to be. Not a thug on the streets, but a man of honor, of change, of God.

My message for the world.

I hope everyone reading this can look deep into themselves today, and forgives anyone who has hurt them, come against them, broke them. We all make mistakes, we are human, but we harvest the power within us that can change the world. A power that can change people, that can change ourselves. We must go out into this world and execute love, mercy, and forgiveness. This my friends does not make us weak people, but more powerful than the strongest of man. Without forgiveness, we breed hate, and that hate for our fellow people my friends is why I met my John Doe.