The Tampax Baby: My TSS Story

Hello, Tasha? This is the 80’s and we would like our tampons back.

As many of my friends can attest, I have always wanted to experience the process of giving birth, but not to a condensed piece of cotton, via TSS. Now I am not saying this even came close to a real birth, but I am pretty sure the contractions I had were pretty spot on to the real thing. I am not going to get into detail on how long I forgot this fabric of life was inside me, because Lord knows if I don’t remain single because of my personality, then this blog will definitely be the nail in my love coffin.

All humor aside, TSS, also known as Toxic Shock Syndrome, is a very serious problem that is kept silent because of the taboo stigma that is put on women about it. TSS can happen to anyone, even men and children. It is a bacterial infection that happens due to the result of toxins that enter into the blood stream. Talking about this infection is so embarrassing that even the doctor, of all people, told me that she would keep mum, and not mention anything to anyone. See, this is the DAMN problem though! If someone would have talked about TSS and the symptoms then I could have prevented a lot of what I had to go through.

So here I am, going against my doctors orders, and telling you how to spot TSS so you don’t end up where I did.

I knew the morning I woke up that something was wrong, but never did I think I would have forgotten a super absorbent cooter cork inside me. My menstrual cycle is fairly short so when I checked for the tampon and couldn’t find it, I figured I must have taken it out the night before, and went on with life. HOW IN THE HELL did I lose something like that inside me? Well I have asked myself that over and over. See what can happen is the tampon can turn sideways, and anyone who has worn one before knows that when inserted properly, you shouldn’t be able to feel it. Sooooo there ya go…

The symptoms started soon after, but they were similar to a yeast infection. Being the way cool person I am I turned to treating the symptoms of candida via pro-biotics. One thing that was different was the discharge, it was watery like pee, and smelt nothing like a yeast infection. GROSS I KNOW!! However, I know my body in and out. I know all about any female issue that a woman can go through and how to naturally cure it, except this was different and I could not put my finger on it, literally.

Soon after these symptoms appeared, I developed horrible stabbing pains in my kidneys and a horrible constant cramp/pressure in my lower abdomen. This is when I think, oh great a UTI. I load myself up with tons of water and cranberry pills, after a few days the kidney pains stopped and I figured I won! Um  no, the watery discharge came back, and the smell too, that is…. Well,  is (OKAY GROSS WARNING) similar to decaying flesh. OMG I said it, there, as if this hasn’t been traumatic enough I have to admit my vagina smelt like a witch hunt that ended up with burning a zombie at the stake on the set of a Fabreze commercial that went horribly wrong.

One other symptoms that I had was oral thrush to the bottom of my throat and a TSS rash on my face. It was so bad that my eyes were bruised around the edges, and looked similar to a black eye. The rash burnt, almost like a sun burn and itched off and on. I couldn’t even “put the lotion on its skin”, and had to use my oils. I figured I was allergic to my makeup, and I never knew it was my body reacting to the toxins building up inside me.

The night I realized something was very wrong, I went to eat with the family, came home, and had the worst cramps of my life. This resulted in vomiting and diarrhea. I’m thinking, “Dammit Cracker Barrel you got me this time…” yet, this was no food poisoning. I was to the point where there was nothing else left to sacrifice to the toilet gods, and I began dry heaving. This is when the contractions kicked in. I cannot explain how weird they felt, it was as if my pelvis drank a very carbonated beer and was burping, but with a lot of pain attached to each burp. No later than that I started coughing a horrible dry cough. This coughing is what did it, the pressure pushed the tampon to the ridge of my pelvic bone.

Now you have to realize at this point I am freaking out. I HAVE NO clue what is going on and I literally and honestly thought I coughed my vagina muscles out, because I could feel something abnormal in there. I once knew a guy who pushed his poop out so hard that his butthole popped out too, and I ain't about to go out like him! 

Now, I am laying over the toilet thinking, OMG I am going to have to have my bikini biscuit tucked back in surgically. Mortified I call my mom to come and help me, and  I am in the most pain of my life and scared to death, and yell at her to please help me and see what I coughed out, which is technically still inside me. The minute she says, “I don’t know, but it is white.” I knew. I knew I done mess up, BIG TIME. I reach in there and pulled out a very used and abused crotch swab that almost made me black out. I knew about TSS from reading about it while bored on the loo, on the back of a Tampax box so I knew I had to get to the hospital.Oh and I was also coxed by like 50 of my amazing organi-girlfriends in a private natural healing group.

The nurses at the hospital were surprised, just as surprised as me that I wasn’t worse off. My pee was amazingly clear for being a toxic bombshell. I blame the reason I am not worse off on my semi-organic and natural life style (I am a sucker for juicy unhealthy burgers and fries... aaaannnd hoppy beer). I know if I had not been on such things like, acidophilus, colloidal silver, ACV, and watched my diet then I could have ended up worse. ANYWHOO I am on extreme antibiotics to treat all these symptoms along with a severe case of BV. Of course I also prescribed myself a ton of pro-biotics and live cultures to combat what antibiotics do to you. By the way I turned down the trillions of big pharma pain meds they pushed on me because well… yeah those are a tisk tisk no no…(IDK why I needed percos for this!?) However, I am here, alive, and able to walk out of the hospital without having to undergo anything worse than my ego being crushed.

TSS is honestly no laughing matter but I deal best with humor when talking about my horribly embarrassing infection. Many have lost limbs and have even died because of this. I am lucky, and now I can share with you my story so that hopefully if you ever come across any of these symptoms, you know exactly what is going on.

I’ll leave you with a quote from my amazing nurse, who made my whole stay bearable, “Thanks for being a naturalist and having a home birth, because last time I pulled one of those out it cleared the hospital room.”