Love at First...Emotion?

Damn emotions! There I said it, and quite frankly I have a love hate relationship with them. Sometimes they make me feel like I am wonder woman and other times they make me feel like, well... shit. As I pour myself a glass of merlot, and sit at my desk to start working on marketing, I am overcome with the strongest emotions of regret and self awareness. How many times do I have to mess up before I look myself in the mirror and shout to myself, "Stop doing that you dumb ass!" I am a very slow learner and I have no one to blame for that but myself. See, I am an overthinker. I will over think something so much that I will drain myself of every inch of happiness until I am a blob of sobbing tears, looking for a way out of my own mind. True story.

However, let me tell you why I am really here, love. Love, love, love... the most messed up of emotions. It can have you floating, and it can slowly and very painfully kill you. Almost four months ago, well, March 20th to be exact, I ended a very short relationship. It was fun while it lasted, but things just didn't work out. I was HEARTBROKEN. I mean, for at least 2 months straight I cried myself to sleep. How could I ever find love again? Just how. Then a guy walks into my life out of no where, so naturally I do what I do best and turn his requests to meet up down. Why? Because the cardinal rule of dating after dating, you don't date too soon because... well... I have no good reason for that rule. I guess it has something to do with you not being emotionally ready to date again, blah blah. But who am I to follow the rules, right? Well coffee started to sound pretty good, and his selfies were starting to look better and better each post. 

We meet for the first time in person outside of Starbucks at 7:30am. Well, he was there at that time, naturally I run late to everything, so I was there at more like 7:40am. The moment I lay eyes on him my heart drops, and I knew then at that moment that I was going to fall and fall hard. However, my past relationship began to creep up on me. See my ex told me he was always busy, too busy for this, too busy for that. He was always just too busy at work, and when I found out the truth behind his lack of time to share with me, I was punched right in the heart. I told myself to never accept anyone who says they are too busy for you. If someone wants to be in your life, they will always make time. Well a week into talking to this new stud, I get the "I am so busy right now, I wish we could hang out more." Well anyone who knows me knows I lost it, I heard my ex all over again and I said to myself, well I better push this one away and be crazy as shit, because Lord knows all people are like my ex (sarcasm). Well, turns out this guy really was just busy that week, and I made a full on ass of myself. Way to go Tasha! One in the count for me, but no, I am not happy about what I did. See I let my past dictate my future. Lucky for me this man is more forgiving than me, and I forgive a lot, but I hurt him and could have possibly hindered anything we could have had. 

Now let me get to all you readers out there, and tell you something I learned today. LEAVE YOUR PAST IN THE PAST. The people who come into your life now or in the future are NOT your past, they will never be the person who hurt you, so stop hurting yourself by letting your past dictate your future. Take this advice from me seriously. I am one stubborn pain in the ass woman, but after having some in depth thought, and looking deep into myself, I found my answer all along. I need to learn to let go, let go of it all. Fall in love again, let someone else love you, love until you are puking up butterflies because everytime you look into that persons eyes your stomach drops and your soul screams! With love will come great pain, but without it will come great regret.

Heartache and Wine

Well, what do we have here? A little bit of heartbreak mixed with a little box of wine, and it makes for a very crappy beginning to the summer. Recently I have noticed that there seems to be a rising increase in the broken hearts category lately. Although I am horrible at giving relationship and love advice, considering I can't keep a man's attention for more than a few hours if I'm lucky, and if he's not already cold drunk. I figure I can at least let everyone in on what I learned from having a broken heart myself.

Three months of self acceptance was in the making this Spring and I didn't even have a clue that this is what was actually happening. I figured it was just three months of pure torture, tears, and a whole lot of merlot. Living with a broken heart is by far one of the worst feelings a person can go through. Whether it is from the loss of someone, something, or the loss of love, it hurts! I would rather take a punch to the jugular with a stun gun than to feel that pain again. Yet through the turmoil came a time when I said to myself, "enough." It took courage to look myself in the mirror and remind myself of who I was and who I was destined to become. It was time to look into myself, take the hurt I was feeling, and fuel myself to the next step. 

Three months of heartbreak taught me that I am worth so much more than I thought. 

Finally I was able to see the beauty inside myself, the leader I want to be, the beautiful soul I seek to unearth. I am worth more than tears, more than pain, and so are you. It's hard to see at first but once you see it you will never settle for less than that again. 

I learned patience.

The single most important thing I learned is patience. I prayed for it and oh boy did I pay for that prayer! The good Lord sure gave me something to be patient about, three months worth of it. Living in a world where everyone gets everything they want and right away kills our patience. After three months of having to wait on answers I still haven't received, I learned that waiting for the right thing, at the right time is better than getting the wrong things fast. 

Significant others do not complete you. 

I used to think that in order to live a happy life in a happy relationship that I needed that one person to complete me. This my friends is a lie. If you are not complete with yourself, then the brokenness pours into the relationship and you repel your mate rather than bring them closer. Find yourself before you bring someone else into the mix. You want a relationship where two complete puzzle pieces come together to make one big picture. 

Forgiveness.

Forgiving those who hurt you does not make you a weak person, because it takes a whole lot of strength to forgive someone who broke your heart. 

I found myself. 

Three months of heartache allowed me to dig deep into myself and ask myself daily who I really am. I am a loving, passionate, woman who believes in fighting for what you believe in. I bend the rules to make people think. I enjoy being a voice for the voiceless, donating my time, helping the helpless. I am beautiful with flaws that make me unique. I am strong although I have my weaknesses. I am a fighter who uses negativity to empower me and my business in order to push myself onto the next level of success. I will never need a significant other to complete me, I want one to join me in my travels to becoming a better person for this world. We all need to find ourselves, find out who we are, define who we will become, so that no one can define that for us. 

This summer started off pretty crappy for many of us, we found ourselves dancing in the rain so no one saw our tears. Now it's time to take that heartbreak and use it to make ourselves stronger, better, and more beautiful than before. Don't need it, want it. The most beautiful art comes from the most horrible of pain, now dig inside and start painting.