I was six.
I remember looking at my great grandfather and
saying, “I won’t live past 30 because I want to be with you then... (30 was my 90
as a child).” I remember it because I was put in time out for saying such a horrible
thing.
I was 21.
A psychic grabbed my palm and said, “What in the
hell did you do to piss someone off so bad? You won’t live very long.”
Now listen here, I am a child of the one true King. Lord.
YHWH. God. I AM, the King of Kings, the Savior of the World. I do not partake
nor believe in the abilities of psychics or random childhood statements of death. I
believe that God and God only knows the timing of our fates. However, lately I
have begun to believe that my life, a beautiful, and yet painful life, is young
lived.
If anyone follows my blog then you clearly have read my Dear
John Blog posted about a year ago. Now is the time to testify. YAY! I have
already had one court date that I had to look this monster in the eyes, now comes
jury time. Woot Woot!! Only for one of the top gang ass hats in this town. Can’t
WAIT to have to see him again. Today I received a call that all other witnesses
have backed out due to fear. Now PUEBLO is counting on me and my father! Oh
such glorious news! The Pueblo judicial system, which has failed us miserably
before over and over, is counting on us to make sure he is given due time?
Which is what? A slap on the hand to him and a death sentence to us? I cannot
wait!
Well, just shit!
So this blog isn’t going to be wasted on complaining about a POS thug who I believe needs a dose of the Big YESHUA up in his life, nor about how much I hate the judicial
system, or gangs, or people who hate wine. No this blog is about me, because
Lord knows I am the key target, oops I mean witness of my life.
Over the last year I have been able to look deep inside myself
and find out what a wonderful person I truly am. I studied the Word of the Lord
more than I ever studied in Bible College. I ran away and sat with the Lords presence. Let
Him hold me, comfort me, tell me through His Scripture that there is so much
more than this! (Holla!! Enoch the 2nd over here!) I have felt hope,
love, joy, and pain. I have looked into the mirror and smiled, I have looked
into the mirror and cried. But most of all I have looked into the mirror and
loved.
Love is one of the biggest blessings the Lord has given me in
my 29 years of life. I loved one man close enough to want as a
husband. I met him while on a business/birthday trip gone wrong. That love didn’t
last long, but I loved, and man it felt good!
I loved my mother who gave me
strength. I loved my father who gave me power. I loved my brother who gave me
patience, my nephew who gave me hope, and my sister in law who gave me freedom.
I loved many friends, many family members. I loved my great grandfather who believed
in who I could be, my great grandmother who pushed me to forgive and my
grandmother Rose, who gave me the ability to find light in the loneliest
moments. ABOVE ALL I LOVED!!!! How amazing is it that in a world of pain, hurt,
tears, poverty, hunger, doubt… I loved? I was a survivor of a rape, of domestic
violence, of the toils of this world and yet I still found a way to love,
forgive, and hope! Not only that, but to become an advocate and teach others that
through our pain, love and forgiveness are possible!
So I sat down tonight, poured a glass of wine, and looked to
the Heavens. I smiled. I said, “God hear me, I wanted to always be a gem in a
world of rocks. To always do your will, and be to this world what you needed of
it. I wanted to be a vessel of your kindness. Thus here I am, ready to meet you, my father, my comforter, my heart. ”
The desires of my heart were to be married, have children,
travel, explore, and become part of the third world or inmate ministries. Yet,
cutting it close to 30 and having to put my life in danger in order to help
others, I may never come to see those desires of my heart.
Yet, I am okay with where I am! And here I am, at this
moment, telling you that I am happy with who I am, who I have become, I am more
than happy, I am proud of myself! I have done many things in my life up to now.
If I am living in the last days of my life then I am so proud of how far I have
come. There are many things in life we
cannot understand. We want what is best for us, not what is best for God. Although
at times I have felt He has been unfair, I know that everything He has done
through me has been for the best of me. I lived a life of love, of hope, and of
faith. It may be hard to comprehend where I am coming from now, but believe me,
when you are hit with the reality that you could face your own death sooner
than later, you see things in a different light.
My hero is a woman named Esther. She stood up against her
own fate in order to save her people from a tragic death. However, before she
went against the King she said, “…if I perish, I perish.” This is the type of
woman I want to be. Brave, not afraid of what is to come against me, for what
shall if He is for me right? Therefore, with a humble heart, I will do what I have to do in order to
make the world, the town... PUEBLO a safer place for others, even if that means I too shall perish
as an example.
But unfortunately it took up until today to learn that the
best way to live, is as if you are dying tomorrow.
