Life After Surviving

I'll never forget the sound a golf club makes after being broken across my back. It's a distant memory that gets replayed in my mind on and off when I am sitting with other women telling them that there is always a way out. Many of you know me as a photographer, entrepreneur, blogger, or a motivational speaker. Yet, not many of you know my story as a survivor. This is the story of what I discovered about myself after going through the daily verbal and physical abuse of a relationship I had a few years ago.

This last month and a half I have done a lot of self exploration. I have looked deep into who I am as a person and questioned everything about myself. "Who am I?" I asked. I am an independent, strong, loving, super forgiving, woman who took a few hundred of bucks and moved back to Colorado with the clothes on my back, a camera, a bible and started up a successful business. I am a dreamer, a traveler, a motivational speaker. I love working with the homeless, other survivors, and anything to do with giving back to the community. I love dancing, laughing, theater, and music. I am a pretty upbeat and outgoing woman. Yet, I am also suffering with deeper issues that I suppress and hide deep within me because of the aftermath of being a victim of domestic violence. Of all the things I brought to light, I found out that I associated love with pain. It's the craziest thing! After being in an abusive relationship for so long I subliminally rewired my mind to believe that the only way for someone to show me love is to be upset with me. Yelling at me, hurting me, hitting me was a way to say "I love you". How horrible is that? Even I was shocked at this new revelation. How is it that someone as strong willed as me could allow myself to go through years of this? Yet, we all do things in life that sometimes we cannot understand. Some of the strongest men and women have been in the same situation or even remain in the same situation as I was. Confusing abuse for love is such a crazy ideal, but it happens. If you are reading this and are going through the same thing, just know you are not alone! Life after surviving is difficult when you have to find out who you truly are as a person and then become a better person then before. 

I am sitting here writing this blog in awe. I pulled something from inside me that I didn't even know I was doing. I would start a fight with someone who loved me because I subliminally thought that them lashing back at me meant they truly cared. It's a twisted way of survival and we don't even know we are doing it. We loose relationships with people and don't even know it. I have lost many friendships and relationships with people because I hurt them and didn't even know I was doing so. I would ask myself  "Why" when the answer all along was that I was hurting them because I confused it for love. 

I never asked for the abuse, I didn't want it, but I was put through it. It changed who I am, it made me stronger, better, and able to now speak up against it. However it also twisted my way of thinking about love and how I receive it and give it. I didn't write this blog to put out my feelings to the world, but to inspire anyone going through life after surviving. I want you to know that because I found this within me, I can now see love for what it is. I can now love, truly love, without hurt, pain, or fear. I wrote this blog to reach out to anyone else who didn't know they were confusing love and pain, fear and love, abuse and love. The glorious part about learning who you are is the ability to take that pain and use it to push yourself into changing. Becoming a better person than I was yesterday is a goal I seek every single time I wake up. I realized the way I was giving and receiving love was wrong and guess what, tomorrow I will not be that person I was before. Being human is amazing because we can change, we can be the change, we can get out there and use our stories to inspire others. So if you are reading this and it tugged on something in yourself and you feel you can relate, then get up, get out and be the change you wish to see in the world by changing yourself, and your way of thinking!  

Ill never forget the pain I felt when I was struck by someone I thought I loved, but now I'll never forget the feeling I felt when I finally found true love within myself!

If you are a survivor of domestic violence and would like to join our weekly Women With Wings meetings please feel free to check out the Facebook page and get more information.
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