John Doe, why the name? The name fits the memory your actions have forced me to conceal, therefore you are a dead thought to me. Nothing but a lingering emotion that comes up every so often when I feel my life is in danger. Soon enough I will have to look at you, face to face, and replay in front of a quiet room the day I first met you. However maybe that day won't come, maybe I won't have to see you, maybe I won't get the chance to read this to you and let you know how your actions changed my life.
As I write this letter to you, I ponder on how great of an impact the message I have for you is, and how it may also help others. This message is not just for you to hear anymore, but for everyone reading this. As the date draws closer, I think about why I was the one meant to meet you that day, and the answer is so clear now. I was put in your life because I am strong enough to speak out, face you, and risk putting my own life in danger. However most importantly, it's about how I am strong enough to forgive you. This is the story on how serendipity meets forgiveness, and how one woman stood up and instead of showing anger and hate, showed love and mercy.
The last few months have been a wreck on my mind, body, and spirit. In turn I have reached within myself and found the woman I was always meant to be. Through all the pain, fear, and hurt, I flourished into someone new. It took great tragedy in my life for me too finally find the strength in myself to become the woman I knew I always was, become the change I needed to become. The transformation started because of you.
On a cold winter day, the snow began to fall as I was in my studio working with a regular client. I was happy and blissful, telling her about the new relationship I had found and how I thought he may just be "the one". Typical girl talk, but it was a good day, a day etched into my memory forever. I closed up shop and my dad picked me up for a quick lunch and then I was going to drop him off at work. The snow was piling up pretty bad, and my dad and I talked about how we wished for warmer days. Nothing in particular was out of ordinary as we pulled into a convenient store so that my dad could grab some last minute snacks for work. I sat in the car messaging the guy I was dating at the time about how cold it was that day. That's when I see my dad run angrily up to me and get into the car. I will spare the details of what went on in the store, but I was told to take a photo of the next man that walked out of the door. Frantically I search for my phones camera app and snap, *one...two...three* You stared right into my eyes, a blank stare, a stare of pure hate. A hate for people, for life, for anyone who stood in your way. Instinct kicks in and I say, "Drive up to his car and I'll get an image of the plates, *one...two*...there are no plates." My heart drops and I know what is happening. In slow motion I see you reach inside your car and turn at me with that I believe is a handgun. Running up to me, it is pointed right at my head. I am looking you in the eyes, your cold black eyes. You are screaming something at me, but I cannot hear you, because my ears are ringing, and I am screaming for my dad to leave.
On the phone with dispatch I am frantically yelling information, as you, or your accomplice are behind us. I scream into the phone, "Please hurry please, he is going to kill us, he is speeding up on the side of us, oh my God he is going to shoot, please, God I am too young to die, I don't want to die." At that moment I duck into the passenger seat with my hands over my head, dispatch goes silent, everything goes silent.
Let me tell you exactly what went through my head those few seconds of silence, because they are permanently burned into my memory forever. I looked up and saw my dad staring right out the window at you, or whoever was in that car, and my thoughts went exactly like this. "This is how I am going to watch my dad die. I never got the chance to get married. I never got to have kids." Tears rolled down my face thinking this was it, but the car speed past us. That memory lives over and over in my head. It replays like a bad sitcom, reminding me of the moment I learned what death and the fear of it truly felt like to someone who was about to witness their own fate.
I spare many details, but because of who you are, my family was forced to change their lives. The days to follow we were forced to hide in a hotel, get new vehicles, take defense classes, arm ourselves, and were hit with the possibility of having to move.
Because of your actions you have affected my life in the following ways.
I can no longer go into convenience stores alone, and if I do I have the worst PTSD.
If anyone stands close behind me in a line I freak out, and become agitated.
I have to be in constant fear of retaliation, therefore forcing me to arm and protect myself.
I have to find guidance counseling through the church.
I don't trust anyone that fits the "thug" stereotype look.
I am always looking behind me, assuming at every corner you or someone you know may be watching me.
However because of your actions and a few more hardships in my life, I was forced to look deep within myself and find peace. I needed peace, I deserve happiness. I never asked to meet you, I could have gone without it, but I believe that God has a plan for everyone, and this was our destiny. I met you because God knows my spirit, He knows my strength, He knows my heart, and how much I have the power to love, even those who hate me.
This is my message to you.
Of all the people in this world, I out of anyone, understands the power of forgiveness. I have done some things in my life that I wish I could be forgiven for. I have hit rock bottom, and been in situations where I needed to change my life for the better. I learned from my mistakes, forgave myself, changed myself, and I became the person standing here today. I believe that if a person is truly sorry for what they have done, and they truly intend to change and better off themselves, then they deserve another chance at some point in their lives. Even the Lord tells us, "For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you."I am not here to condemn you, nor toss stones at you for your sins. I am here today to tell my story, to make a testimony from it, and to let a judge decide the terms of your consequences. Yet, most of all I am standing here today to tell you that I forgive you for what you did to me and my family. I hope that by me speaking up, you find yourself, just as I have. I hope that not only do you forgive yourself, but become the person that you too were always meant to be. Not a thug on the streets, but a man of honor, of change, of God.
My message for the world.
I hope everyone reading this can look deep into themselves today, and forgives anyone who has hurt them, come against them, broke them. We all make mistakes, we are human, but we harvest the power within us that can change the world. A power that can change people, that can change ourselves. We must go out into this world and execute love, mercy, and forgiveness. This my friends does not make us weak people, but more powerful than the strongest of man. Without forgiveness, we breed hate, and that hate for our fellow people my friends is why I met my John Doe.
