Today I am highly disappointed in myself. The other night I met up with someone who set me straight. I have always valued myself as a strong and independent woman with pretty strong moral values. I withhold that image in the public eye in order to show the world that I am not afraid to challenge the world on my own. I have never been afraid to dine, wine, or travel alone, and I make it very clear that I don't need any companionship or relationship to accompany me, and I am fine all by myself. Although I'm actually not. Sadly I am coming off as uptight and pompous, and a tad rude at times. Although I never said it, my body language spoke it. This person, told me that he thinks all I care about is money. This hurt me. I am the least concerned about a persons financial welfare, I care more about what a person can share with me intellectually and emotionally. And my biggest turn off is when a man won't shut up about how much he makes at work. I will literally stop talking to a guy who tries to turn me on by tossing around his wallet. However this is not how I portrayed myself to the opposite sex. See, when I find a person attractive, I feel that I need to impress them by bragging about my accomplishments, in turn it has become detrimental to my status. Thus making me look like a girl who likes to be 5 star wined and dinned on a constant, when I am actually a girl who loves BBQing in a back yard drinking Corona and wearing yoga pants and a tank top.
But let me let you all in on a little secret. I am not fine. I am scared to death. I am scared of the world, I pray every night for just enough strength to get me through the day and I cry, OMG do I cry. It's like I am on a continual menstrual cycle. I cry when I am happy and when I am sad, and sometimes just because. Although I try to brag about my accomplishments to the opposite sex, I truly am humbled that I am allowed to do what I do. I have made so many wonderful friends just by capturing their special moments, and I would do absolutely anything for anyone. From free sessions with absolutely no compensation, not even a thank you. I will go beyond my own comfort to please anyone, and yet here I am, in the middle of a room, smacking myself on the head, thinking, "It's the way you come off that makes you look like a total douche!" No matter how humble of a person we may all think we are, it is how we conduct ourselves that matters. I try to come off as a strong willed independent woman, and I really look like a kosher weenie.
That's right a straight stuck up kosher weenie. So I write this blog to say to the world, I am sorry.
